“Life Before His Eyes” – My ponderings..

I had scheduled to post this tomorrow, but due to my Quilt-Magic post just somehow disappearing, I am posting this tonight. I will be re-typing that Quilt-Magic post and re-posting hopefully tomorrow.
In the meantime, here’s an insight to my life and my thoughts. I hope it helps you see where I come from and just know a little bit more about me.

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NCIS is quite the popular show in this household, I’ve seen most of the episodes at least twice.. But this episode in particular , “Life Before His Eyes“, got me to ponder heavily on the choices I’ve made in my life.
In this episode, Gibbs is at a diner drinking coffee, when a male in a hoodie walks up to him and points a gun at him. As he shoots Gibbs, time stops, the bullet stopped in midair, and Gibbs can then see ghosts of people who have been in his life, including his mentor, his wife and daughter. His mentor, Mike, talks him through what’s going on, about questioning his choices and decisions. It’s quite the episode, with each “ghost” having a significant role in Gibbs life and how everything unfolded. He goes through the timeline of his life and is presented with a vision as to what his life COULD HAVE been if he had made different choices.

This episode made me start to ponder on my life, as I sat in my recliner watching this episode, I cried… I cried a puddle of tears on my shirt that Raymond kept licking through the entire episode. I don’t have a long list of regrets, but I do wonder as to what my life would be like if I made different choices. We all think about stuff like that, right?
I have been frustrated, at times, when I think about how I believe my life SHOULD be, instead of living my life for today. Instead of being grateful for where I am at today, I’m mad about where I am NOT.. Who does that?
I foresee a handful of changes in my future and I’m scared…
I confess this here because a lot of this , I believe, has to do with my obsession of quilting and wanting to keep busy.
I read somewhere that our happiness is, unfortunately, measured in our minds based on how successful we are in the real world. When we aren’t happy with what we’ve achieved in the real world, we overlook and forget to be happy for things we have achieve in our “virtual world”, virtual as in things we do that won’t change the world, but make us happy in our minds.
In my “virtual world”, I am as happy as can be: not having the need to work a job I would hate or grow tired of, learning how to be a homemaker, running a household, raising three amazing furrbabies, learning how to sew and make things for my family and friends.
In the real world, I feel as if I’m sitting around letting life pass me by, not working or going to school for anything that would deem me “successful” in the worlds eye.
My mind is constantly looking for things to do to please others and what to say that would be the RIGHT thing to say or do.. And it’s become exhausting..
As a young woman growing up, I was always looking for approval and acceptance.. Wanting people to notice me and approve of what I did. I think that that’s a common human tendency, to want to be noticed, complimented and “approved of”.
But that’s not healthy to a certain extent… I’ve grown to be a codependent person so much, that now leaves me scared to go anywhere alone and I can’t continue doing that to myself..

When I turned 21, I attempted to evaluate my life and assure myself that I was on a good path. You know what happened?
I got upset that I hadn’t met my Mr.Right yet, that I hadn’t started a family yet… That’s my “virtual reality” scenario of where I think I should be.
I want to change that, I want to be happy for me, and be happy for where I am at NOW.
Because I truly am leading a healthy, stable life and I have absolutely no reason to be unhappy.
I enjoy sewing and quilting because it allows me to be happy, and so what if the world doesn’t see that as me leading a “successful” lifestyle. Learning how to sew and quilt, making things for family and friends keeps me satisfied! Knowing that I made blankets for my siblings and they sleep with it every night, that helps me sleep good at night!
Maybe I’m not an expert sewer or quilter, maybe I will own a quilt shop someday, maybe I’ll even be the Eleanor Burns of my generation, who knows! But I will stress on my decisions NO MORE!

I want you all to know that I feel comfortable opening myself to the world and speaking my mind. I truly appreciate what blogging has led me to, meeting such kind people all around the world. Thank you so much for your comments and likes and messages, it really helps me stay positive, become inspired!
I hope to rid myself of thoughts of regrets and those darn “what-if’s” and live for now!
I’m going to strive on a path that makes ME happy, and I want to document it all, I hope you don’t mind me blogging about my thoughts.

If you have read all the way to here, I am giving you a warm hug in my mind! I truly appreciate everything that everyone’s done for me in my life!
I will NOT second guess myself anymore, I will NOT not speak my mind, and I will definitely NOT do something to please everyone except me.
So off I go I into this big world, and I WILL be happy! 🙂

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As I finish this post, my babies lay next to me keeping me company<3 gosh, I truly love them! They are always here for me, Raymond always licks my tears as Jeanie plays with my toes. Lol I'm going to cuddle with my babies and have a great nights sleep! Goodnight everybody!

Toodles for now,
Diana, Jeanie and Ray<3

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9 responses to ““Life Before His Eyes” – My ponderings..

  1. Pingback: SAN DIEGO IN A DAY: San Diego zoo and the San Diego quilt show! | Ray's Sew Crafty·

  2. How many cats are there? LOL! Girl with that nice quilt in the background everything is blending so well. Keep up the good work!

  3. This post really hit home for me. I’m 34 and just became a full time homemaker. I feel like I’m really starting to figure out who I am. I think it’s great that you have this opportunity now to explore things. We can explore them together 🙂

    • I’m very pleased to read my post, i feel like we can definitely relate, as you are also a full time homemaker. I became a full time homemaker at 19. I’m 21 now, and well, as I teenager, I knew I wanted the “American lifestyle”: a house with a white picked fence, a husband, kids and be a full time stay at home wife and mother. So at the first opportunity of what I thought was “my calling” , I took it. Which unfortunately fell through because I wasn’t ready. But it has taught me a lot and I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I’m ready to press play on my life and explore the world. I’d still like to learn how to cook, and sew and make things that could serve me good use when I do get married and have kids. But I’m learning to be more independent and grow as my own person and really do things that make me happy. 🙂
      I hope we can be good friends and be there for each other through our “homemaking” journey, as well as our crafting journey! 🙂
      Take care and thanks again for reading!

  4. Diana, thank you for writing such a heartfelt post! Don’t beat yourself up, because you just never know where your life’s path will take you. The experiences you have now are part of the bigger picture, and believe me, they will all fall into place.
    I posted a blog the day before my wedding reflecting on how all of my experiences and bad relationships had led up to that moment. It was because of them that I was able to find the man of my dreams and have been happily married for two years. It is because of my husband that I am finally able to return to school and get my Masters Degree and my teaching credential.
    Hang in there and approach life with the same zeal that you approach quilting and crafting, that passion will take you to where you need to be!
    Sending you very happy thoughts and tons of support!!

    • I enjoyed reading your comment , Tracy, thank you for that! I’m glad that I’m not the only one who gets very pensive about life. I was reading and article ( http://collegestats.org/articles/2012/09/20-reasons-your-20s-are-so-critical/ ) and a lot of it helped me understand what I have to work on to be happy and content with my life. For example , #7 [ criticism hurts more, but it can help develop good habits] explains how being young and the frontal lobe of the brain not always being fully developed causes me to be more emotional and “dramatic” about situations. That makes complete sense, allowing me to learn how to control my emotions and find positive outlets, like QUILTING! 🙂
      And #18 [you can redefine your family] is quite the explanation of how the human brain “redefine’s who is central to their lives”, and for me, I get frustrated not being so close to my family after moving out. Leaving me to question wether I moved out too soon? should I move back in?… And well, just things that I simply don’t need to stress on. I am my own person, and so are my parents and siblings. I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying about them or other people. That doesn’t mean I can’t live my life along side them, and surround myself with positive people to lead a happy life.
      Thank you so much for your kind words and support!
      Blogging has truly helped me branch out, meet people with the same interest as I, and I love it! 🙂
      I’ve enjoyed our conversations and I hope it develops into lifelong friendship!
      -Diana

  5. Thank you for the hug. YES, be yourself, speak your mind. Do not be afraid. And be gentle on yourself, as well. Very few people at age 21 are comfortable with their course, their thoughts full of “should”s and “could”s. That’s as it should be. That’s what pushes you to examine your thinking, just as you’re doing.

    • Thank you so much for reading this post, I want to be more open with my thoughts about my life journey. 🙂
      And I agree, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t evaluate our life constantly and strive for the better.
      I truly appreciate you kind words!
      Thoughts of wether I’m on the right path or not haunts me at night, but I’m trying to just accept that I’m young. it’s my time to experiment, explore and act on things that’ll help me find myself as an adult. I accept that 🙂
      I was in a lull a while back of just wondering if I moved out of my parents house too soon, and how I was suppose to become my own person without my family. A good friend once told me “life is like a shooting arrow, when you’re in a lull, you’re just being pulled back and getting ready to shoot off into something great” so I am just preparing myself for when I “shoot off” into something great!

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